Sharing my experiences so far in plural marriage
We’ve decided to share our experiences over the past year of living in our plural marriage. I’ve experienced more over the past year and learned more than I can ever hope to share, especially in this short post. I’m writing this post after midnight though and that seems to be a common theme in the life of a man in a plural marriage. It’s hard sometimes to find quiet moments for introspection and reflection. One of my biggest struggles so far has been finding time for myself. I knew that my life would be more busy and I have always been one to stay busy, but I wasn’t prepared for just how busy I became. With my introverted nature, every occasional hour I have to spend time by myself doing what I enjoy is now more precious to me than ever. Conversely, every moment I have to spend with my family is also more precious to me. It’s given me an appreciation of time and of making sure I’m spending it well.
Another experience I’ve had has been maintaining our relationships with people around us.
Some people have been very open with us and very supportive of our beliefs, even if they don’t agree with us. Others have been completely silent, to my knowledge, and not said anything about it. Still others have been silent towards us, but we’ve heard from other people of the things they’ve shared about us, and it hasn’t always been very kind or flattering. We understand that our beliefs and our lifestyle are a ripe source of controversy in today’s world. Patriarchy, polygamy, fundamentalism; these are all words that have come to have very negative connotations in our society today. We’ve chosen to live this way as consenting, informed adults acting on our religious faith. We’ve had our struggles, but we’ve found so much more positive in our lives together than we have found negatives. The struggle has been in the knowledge that we are standing against so many negative stereotypes.
I’ve struggled with feeling that I always have to present a perfect picture of ourselves as a family to the rest of our community.
For example, Tami has always been an introvert. She’d rather be reading a good book at home than she would be out socializing. Sophie is very outgoing and loves to be out and about. There have been nights when Sophie has wanted to go out and socialize, but Tami has wanted to stay home and have some time for herself. My struggle with that has been knowing that if I go out with Sophie, people may see us and jump to conclusions about the current state of my relationship with Tami, or they may assume that I’m preferring to spend my time with Sophie over Tami. The opposite could also be true. If Sophie is out socializing on her own, people may wonder about how we’re doing in our relationship with each other. I’ve worried so much about being out in public without all of us being together that it’s caused me a lot of anxiety over the past year. I hope to reach a point eventually where I am less concerned with what the people around us think of us, but I haven’t fully reached that point yet. As confident as I may seem, sometimes the judgment of the community, whether real or perceived, still weighs heavy on my mind.
Marriage in general is a balancing act, even monogamous marriage.
Being a man in a plural marriage feels like performing a balancing act while standing on a rabid bear and juggling flaming snakes. It’s intense. It’s not for the faint of heart. There are so many considerations and so many sacrifices we make for the happiness of our wives and children. Without that sacrifice, I don’t believe there is anything holy or faith-promoting about plural marriage. Without that sacrifice, it does just become selfishness and tyranny. It makes truth out of Brigham Young’s belief that plural marriage will damn more than it will save. The faith doesn’t necessarily make it easy, though. No matter how willing the heart may be, sometimes the flesh is still weak and the struggle to put off the selfish natural man is something we all struggle with. In this marriage, my wives face jealousy on a regular basis. I don’t intend at all to belittle or downplay the struggles they face in this lifestyle. I do think that a lot of people from the outside looking in never see the struggles a man has in plural marriage, if he’s truly striving to live it in righteousness and love. Our culture focuses on the struggles of women in plural marriage. If a man is living plural marriage correctly it should be a refining fire for him as well. We believe that sacrifice brings forth blessings and all in this lifestyle are called upon to sacrifice, as well as share in the abundance of blessings that come upon us.
Part of the beauty of plural marriage is having more support; more hands to help and hearts to love in the hard times.
I’ve never experienced anything more beautiful or more demonstrative of Christ-like love than to see the times that Tami and Sophie have turned to each other for support. I don’t believe that everyone can (or should) live this way. I don’t believe that most people should live this way. We have chosen this life, however, and we have found joy in our love, wisdom and knowledge in our hardships. I believe that anyone who chooses to live this way and keeps their eyes single to righteousness, faith, and love will be richly blessed.
